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Husband has no interest in me sexually

opinion

QI've been married for four years now to a wonderful husband, caring, considerate, a good provider, and we are great companions. We're both in our early 30s and have no children yet.

The problem is that we've no sex life. He seems to have no drive at all. I noticed this about 18 months into our relationship -- we've been together six years -- when I gradually realised that I was always the sexual instigator. At the time I tried taking the back seat, waiting to see if he would initiate sex, but he never did.

Things went rapidly downhill after that and sex became something which happened about every three months. Husband has no interest in me sexually tried talking to him about it. We've fought, we've had long discussions, and every time it just makes him feel uncomfortable. It's so hard to get him to understand that sex is an important part of marriage, not the only thing that matters, but important, the absence of passion leading to such frustration in a relationship.

I've even seen counsellors about it and suggested he come with me.

We'll send you a copy...

But he'd rather boil his head in oil than involve a third party! Right now, we make love twice a month and that's because we're hoping for a baby. I've tried telling my husband that twice a month is not how it Husband has no interest in me sexually to conceive, but there it is.

At the risk of sounding terribly cruel, even our twice-monthly efforts are quite dull and awkward. I'm at the point where I believe he's just going through the motions to please me. And I've kind of resigned myself to the fact that he will never be the lover I desire. To an outsider it may sound like he might be having an affair. Or that he might be gay. Or that he may not love me. He just doesn't feel the need to show it physically. I love him too and will stay in my marriage.

I appreciate all the other ways he shows his love. I love his gentleness and his strength of character. I know he'll make a great father. I'm a better person because of him. The scary thing is that I find myself fantasising about having a lover on the side.

I am very frustrated sexually and have quite a high libido. I lie in bed beside my husband at night picturing possible lovers and wild sex scenarios. I can hardly trust myself because my desires are so strong. I sometimes access pornography sites and they drive me wild for days thinking about what I've seen. I know that's not real life and it makes me feel quite bad and guilty, getting my kicks out of what my husband would see as sleaze.

I just don't know what to do. It's becoming so difficult. I can't ever see my sex life improving with my husband as it's been a problem for so long now. I don't want to have an affair and jeopardise our marriage.

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